Dear Constanza
by XMarisolX
Summary: Because "Constanza" is what Amy calls her diary. CHAP 33: Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 8.16, "The Intimacy Acceleration". Excerpt: Leonard got a text message from Penny: "2day is Shel's bdAy!"
1. The Friendship Contraction

**Title:** "Dear Constanza…"  
><strong>Description:<strong> Because "Constanza" is what Amy calls her diary.  
><strong>Fandom:<strong> _The Big Bang Theory  
><em>**Genre:** Comedy/Romance/Angst  
><strong>Characters:<strong> Amy  
><strong>Author's Note:<strong> I'm toying with the idea of occasionally writing episode coda fics in the form of Amy's diary entries. I make no promises.  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> _The Big Bang Theory_ is an American sitcom created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady, and is produced by them along with Lee Aronsohn. It is a Warner Brothers production and airs on CBS. All characters, plots and creative elements derived from the source material belong exclusively to their respective owners. I, the author of the fan fiction, do not, in any way, profit monetarily from the story.  
><strong>Rating:<strong> K – M (it's anyone's guess)

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><p>Dearest Costanza,<p>

I am deeply sorry that I've neglected you in recent days, but the increased activity of my professional life, the unexpected early onset of my menses and a recent burst in social activity all combined to make me far too fatigued at bedtime to chronicle my daytime adventures. Tonight's entry will catch you up in three principal areas: current events, professional activities and my social life.

Current events:

I am rather behind in this arena, since Penny cancelled her subscription to People magazine. She says that she had to find a way to cut back on her expenses, and having to decide between cancelling Cosmo or People, there was simply no contest. Considering how well the former magazine complements her dynamic fashion sense, perky, can-do attitude and I-am-woman-hear-me-roar sexuality, I think she's made the only logical decision.

Beyond that, I did manage to catch the better portion of the State of the Union address. I found our President to be stately and charismatic as always, and he made some commitments to spend more money in the Sciences, which I found encouraging. However, I can't help but look at such events (and the politicians that attend them) and be reminded that, much like in many organized religions, the political elite make promises to take action that will enhance the common good and remedy the ills of society only to get caught in the traps of sex scandals, blind ambition and bickering among factions. I find myself growing more apolitical with each passing year.

Although, I must say that Michelle was looking especially stunning at the event. Sometimes I imagine that, in the social society of our nation's capital, she is the raven-haired equivalent of Penny: beautiful, buxom and indisputably bodacious. I salute you ma'am!

Professional activities:

As tomorrow looms, I look forward to it with a mix of excitement and extreme foreboding. While the members of our research team are thrilled to be coming ever closer to the results regarding alcoholism in high-functioning primates, I, for my part, can't help but suspect that changing the monkeys' beer brand will be met with the enthusiastic excrement-throwing that these monkeys invariably think is the only appropriate response to any life change. Whatever clothing I wear tomorrow will, without a doubt, end up in the trash heap. Sorry Bernadette, but some clothes just can't be donated. My attempts at commiseration with Sheldon on the topic only made him, in a word, laugh—an unexpected joy. This brings me, rather eloquently, to my last topic…

My social life:

You and my boyfriend have both suffered from my neglect, as Sheldon and I haven't seen much of each other this week, either. I hadn't _physically_ been in his presence in three days when we had dinner this evening—not since we decided to suspend filming "Fun with Flags" for the time being. While I don't think a day has gone by that we haven't talked since the very first day that we met (except for those horrific days after we terminated our then-fledgling relationship) I still like spending real-world time with him. And even tonight, he was very late joining us, as he had to catch the bus home from work. Apparently Leonard has chosen to negate the major terms of the Roommate Agreement and, as a result, Sheldon must suffer. How unfair! Although, I can't help but notice that even I have, on occasion, violated a term (or two) of the Relationship Agreement, but with total impunity. Of course, it's absurd to think that Sheldon would confront me, his girlfriend, in the same fashion as his roommate. I am saddened, however, that I can't take him to the doctor's appointment tomorrow. He seemed uncomfortable when the others teased him about not "using me" for what girlfriends are really for. All the same, with more advanced notice I might have been able to arrange my affairs to accommodate him, but as it stands, there is simply no way I can leave my project on such short notice.

I got a text from him earlier tonight; apparently there is a blackout in his building. I proposed that I pick him up so he could spend the night here, but he declined my offer, saying he suspected the power outage would be remedied quickly. Currently, I am anxiously waiting for him to send me his nightly "Goodnight, Amy" text, which I should have gotten a half hour ago. His cell phone might be dead, and it's a small thing, I know, but I want it just the same. It's something I've gotten used to, and besides…

I don't believe I can get to sleep without it.

XOXO AFF


	2. The Vacation Solution

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 5.16, "The Vacation Solution"  
><strong>Rating:<strong> K

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><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

Forget everything I wrote yesterday. This morning he came back to the lab...

And apologized.

It took him three tries, but… he got it. And I really believe he did. No tiara this time, but I think I got something better.

Believe it or not, I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow.

XOXO AFF


	3. The Rothman Disintegration

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 5.17, "The Rothman Disintegration"  
><strong>Rating:<strong> K

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><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

So, turns out she _did_ like the painting. It seems all those sorrowful tears I shed into my ever-loyal pillow were for nothing. Sheldon's efforts at comfort were neutralized when he said that he "fails to see what Penny has done to merit a gift of such value, particularly without an accompanying apology." I wouldn't expect him to understand.

Earlier today, however, Penny informed me that _Bernadette_ was the real culprit behind the picture's removal. The future bride is playing "Cha Cha" to Penny and I's Danny and Sandy. She harbors a barely-repressed jealousy for what Penny and I have, and Penny came close to caving to her envy. How ironic, considering I am her maid-of-honor. You would think that my enthusiastic acceptance would have been confirmation enough of our relationship. Ever mindful, though, of the feelings of others, I'll be sure to be more attentive to her in the future. But no paintings. That, of course, would be too much.

Sheldon invited me to have lunch with him in his new office tomorrow. He doesn't know it, but the pre-Glee, singing hoodlums of Rydell High School will be providing the soundtrack of our lunch date. I can't wait!

XOXO AFF

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><p><strong>Endnote:<strong> Feedback greatly welcome and cherished.


	4. The Werewolf Transformation

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 5.18, "The Werewolf Transformation"  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

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><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

Today in the lab, we got in a new shipment of PrimaTreats, or dietary behavioral incentives for primates that are housed in a research environment. I swear—some of the yummier names actually had me salivating. I can only hope that the Piña Colada flavor is as alcohol free as promised, as I don't think I could tolerate more "monkey business" from these creatures. Sometimes they act like caged animals, most likely because they are.

In other news, something disturbing happened last night (and I'm not referring to the torture of having to sleep on cold sheets while my dear Sheldon was just feet away in the living room). I am, however, referring to the fact that I learned that Sheldon has seen Penny naked. When Penny first mentioned it, I was unfazed (if not a bit jealous) and more preoccupied with how Sheldon's haircut situation would ultimately be resolved. But sometime around lunchtime today, my curiosity got the better of me, and I called Sheldon for more details. Dismissively, he mentioned that the incident had occurred during their now-infamous trip to the emergency room. While I have oft heard him moan of the day he was forced to drive, he had always omitted his literal run-in with her breast. And—while confident that I'm no slouch in the beauty department and that my hips certainly have a "beckoning" quality—my physique still is no match for the paragon of beauty that is Penny.

Perhaps my concerns are foolish; but—even though the bounds of Sheldon's propriety and the bylaws set forth in the Relationship Agreement have moderated our physical displays of affection—I sometimes imagine (and I hope it's not wrong) that maybe, someday, we—Sheldon and I—may… partake of the kind of love I must watch our primate cousins engage in on a daily basis without the slightest concern for social construct… or dignity of any kind.

It's not something I worry about, really, but… I do think about it, sometimes.

XOXO AFF


	5. The Weekend Vortex

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 5.19, "The Weekend Vortex"  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

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><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

Today, my cousin Teagan told me that she would let me borrow her saddle oxfords for the day, Penny told me I could hold her hair back as she vomited, and (sigh) Sheldon told me he would accompany me to my great-aunt's birthday party. In the end, three people made promises to me, and not one of them came through on their commitments.

It was a disappointing day.

I knew that my dreams of having my feet shod with footwear associated with high school royalty (cheerleaders) would be dashed as soon as I set eyes on my cousin. With wide eyes, she threw her hands over her mouth and then mouthed—with pained expression—"I'm so sorry." Considering she recently had a baby, I imagine that her oversight was purely accidental. I was no less disappointed, however. My dissatisfaction continued as I walked into the living room proper—alone—and was immediately accosted with pleas to meet my boyfriend. With a heavy heart, I repeatedly informed the family in attendance (many of whom I haven't spoken with in quite some time) that my boyfriend was unable to attend. Apparently, news of my budding relationship has spread with a much more aggressive speed than that of Sheldon and I's little experiment. Too embarrassed to admit he preferred to play stupid online games rather than accompany me to a family gathering, I made up a much more compelling excuse: he had come down with a near-deadly infection and had to be hospitalized. Far from quelling the inquiries, it seemed to fuel rumors that I was in fact lying and Sheldon did not exist at all. Producing text messages of our conversations did nothing to convince the incredulous throngs that I _do_ indeed have a boyfriend, and my ex-hippy Uncle Patch (who suspiciously reeked of controlled substances and patchouli) even said that they sounded like I had written the text messages to myself.

While visiting Penny proved to be something of a balm to my hurt, it seems that three beers (no matter how closely together they have been drunk) are not sufficient to induce alcohol toxicity in my flaxen-haired friend. So, instead of holding her hair as she worshipped at a porcelain altar, I spent my evening listening to her drunkenly brag about all the times she had been thrown out of restaurants after scandalizing boyfriends and dinner patrons alike with her "crazy, White girl" antics. Bernadette, for her part, had one wine cooler, then promptly fell asleep.

What I find most surprising, Constanza, is that I can't bring myself to be angry at any of these people… not really. Teagan simply forgot, Penny has been anointed with a winning LA metabolism and burly Nebraskan alcohol tolerance, and Sheldon… he can't help that he's a boy.

But sometimes I wish he could. Because all I want is to one day attend some fancy event (decorated with balloons and streamers) and march in—arm in arm—with the Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Everyone would look on—amazed and jealous—because I would have such a great boyfriend… the best boyfriend, and unlike Armand the Miniature Horse Trainer, Sheldon would be real.

I did manage to snag a piece of birthday cake for him (a corner piece, no less!) just before Uncle Patch fell face first into the punch bowl, splattering the entire kitchen (and cake) with red liquid. But in the end, I ate it somewhere between Penny's crying spell in the Olive Garden and her girl fight in Roscoe's Titty Bar. I needed that cake more than he did. Besides, if they can break promises, so can I.

XOXO AFF

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><p><strong>Endnote:<strong> Thanks for reading. Feedback makes me puke rainbows.


	6. The Transporter Malfunction

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 5.20 "The Transporter Malfunction"  
><strong>Rating:<strong> K+

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><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

While I love my mother dearly, there are some things about her that I simply will never understand, namely, her obsession with Chia Pets. While I am normally a champion of any endeavor that brings the scientifically disinclined closer to Biology, I find pre-seeded clay animals to be some hybrid between a vicious scam and a cry for help. Not only are they rather sad relics from the 1980s, but they are devoid of any real educational value in the realm of turf cultivation. Despite her none-too-subtle hints that she would like to get a Tweety Bird Chia for her birthday, I refuse to indulge this habit. If my mother puts one more grass-spouting piece of pottery in her ever-growing window menagerie (that regrettably includes a facsimile of Albert Einstein with alfalfa hair), I might scream.

So, how wonderful it was to spend some time around _real_ animals at the Los Angeles Zoo. Considering his unfortunate incident with the toy Penny bought him (I know, Constanza... more toy shenanigans) Sheldon was overdue for a relaxing afternoon. I found the resident rhinoceroses to be particularly playful today and, as always, the koalas were a treat.

Beyond that (and a recent trip to the gynecologist that determined that my cervix is in sound condition) there is not much to report. Although, I should mention that Sheldon's friends seem positively giddy from Raj's recent near-miss marriage to a lesbian named Lakshmi, and have taken it as some sort of surprising confirmation that he is, in fact, not gay. I, however, have never suspected that he was. While my experience with men of the homosexual persuasion (or any persuasion) is admittedly low, I do not see his interest in so-called "chick flicks" or his cherished relationship with Howard as indicative of his desire to engage in sexual activity with men. I, too, often find myself indulging in activities more commonly associated with the opposite sex, not the least of which is my choice to work in the field of Neurobiology. And, I too know what it's like to admire a dear friend of the same sex. That woman would be Penny, of course. (Bernadette is a star in her own right, but she pales in comparison to the sun that is Penny.) Our drunken kiss aside, however, I have no plans to have sex with her. While I find her body and feminine charms to be both enviable and a work of surpassing beauty, it is Sheldon who holds my affections. Sheldon Lee Cooper is the man for me.

XOXO AFF


	7. The Hawking Excitation

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 5.21 "The Hawking Excitation"  
><strong>Rating:<strong> K+

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><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

Since joining Twitter in January of 2010, I have found it to be a wonderful tool. I, personally, have used the micro-blogging site to publicize and discover new developments in the world of science, to stumble upon the occasional viral video, and (as of late) to keep abreast of the whereabouts of my boyfriend. However, I never imagined that the day would come when all three of these uses would converge in such a baffling fashion.

As I am currently away at a Neurobiology conference in San Francisco, naturally I have been out of the loop with the goings on back in Pasadena. Taking a much needed, mid-afternoon bathroom break (after overindulging in the free tea and coffee that the conference provides), I decided to multitask and check my Twitter feed. While emptying my bladder, I did something I rarely do: I changed my location settings to "Local" (specifying "Pasadena, California") and set about catching up on the proverbial "411" back home. Imagine my excitement to see that "#sheldoncooper" was a trending topic. However, my glee soon turned to gloom as I saw retweet after retweet of my Sheldon in what appeared to be… a French maid costume? Need I add that many a tweet was accompanied by rude, insulting and often vulgar quips. Torn between pulling up my panties and reaching out to my boyfriend, I decided to do the latter, but was disappointed when my call went directly to voicemail with the message, "No, I do not do gay cabaret, so stop calling, and yes, I will do anything to meet Steven Hawking." Forced to wash my hands and return to my meeting, I put off pursuing the matter further.

As of the time of this writing I have yet to reach him, though when I get to the bottom of this hullabaloo, Constanza, you will be the first to know.

XOXO AFF


	8. The Launch Acceleration

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 5.23, "The Launch Acceleration"  
><strong>Rating:<strong> K+

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><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

I've long been resistant to wearing costumes. Heck, I've long been resistant to viewing costumes. On occasion, Sheldon has invited me to attend events where I would likely encounter persons outfitted to look like someone they were not: comic book superheroes, time-traveling humanoids, or perhaps velvet-clad tradesmen from the Fifteenth Century. I typically decline such invitations. The Renaissance Faire, Purim and ComicCon all leave me with an uneasy feeling. And yet, I sit here on my bed with $40 worth of blue fabric, a toy scanner I purchased from the comic book store, and Erica (the woman who made my curtains) on speed dial. If her daughter's homemade costume from last Halloween is any indication (a get-up which turned the tot into a dead ringer for Dora the Explorer), Erica is the perfect seamstress to transform me into a member of the Starship Enterprise. What is the motive, you might ask, of my sudden conversion to the realm of disguise?

The affection of one Sheldon Cooper.

As my girlfriends around me take their relationships ever forward, I'm not ashamed to say that (as happy as Sheldon makes me) I yearn for something more. I suspect that somewhere under his delicate ego and novelty T-shirts there lurks a fondness for a certain neurobiologist. Yet, it is becoming increasingly evident that, when it comes to expressing that affection, he will only wake up if there's a fire under the bed. Thusly, I come before him bearing matches. I've already told you of the initial success I experienced on our last Date Night; Sheldon was positively giddy at my carefully calibrated combination of spaghetti with hot dogs, Strawberry Quik and Mario Brothers mood music. And I couldn't miss the glisten in his eye when I dropped him off at his apartment. But visions of his enthusiastic dining and cheerful smile (that smile) follow me around long after he's gone. They accompany me to bed and fill my dreams. They ride beside me in the car and make me see him in pedestrians walking on the street. And they sneak their way between numbers and figures on my computer screen or the lock combinations on the monkey's cages.

Constanza, do you think he'll ever be so similarly haunted by visions of me?

I remain hopeful. In the words of Shakespeare, let us not to the marriage of true minds admit impediment (So that British Lit class came in handy after all). With a little help from Erica and my box of matches, let's see what happens.

I would typically end this letter with hugs and kisses, but Constanza, I've decided I am not myself today. So, ending on that note…

Live long and prosper, AFF


	9. The Countdown Reflection

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 5.24, "The Countdown Reflection"  
><strong>Rating:<strong> K+

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><p>Dearest Constanza,<p>

I must beg your forgiveness, as many a mundane, tiring or distracting day has caused me to leave your pages forsaken and devoid of the goings-on of my life. But after a series of days as momentous as these, I frankly have looked forward to chronically the ensuing events in this treasured tome almost since the moment that they began to unfold. With a wedding, a dinner at the Wolowitz home (always a hoot) and a space launch ahead of me, excitement was all but guaranteed. Yet, even I could not foresee the thrill that would await me.

Though a disappointment in many ways and a shadow of its potential glory, the wedding still managed to be a sparkling occasion in many ways. As we were all ordained at that website that Penny recommended (that I think left a virus on her laptop) we officiated the ceremony in tandem. I prepared a statement that expressed my unwavering commitment to the event and any future nuptials, and I looked nothing short of amazing in my dress and tiara, if I do say so myself. Sheldon's comments reflected some of his perennial views on the virtues of bachelorhood, though he did wish the couple a bright future (Even still, I half wish he had stuck with his original plan of delivering his statement in Klingon). Raj, predictably, used his moment to weep and Leonard and Penny somehow found a way to make the event about them. They may be Sheldon's and my best friends, but I can't help but be dismayed by how self-centered they are at times. I guess even they are not without their flaws.

After the ceremony, we returned to Howard's place, where Mrs. Wolowitz had prepared a tasty spread of brisket with roasted vegetables and potato pancakes, which she finished off with a strawberry sorbet. That's where the charm of the event ended. Brutish and loud with choric digestive problems, she produced a repeat performance of most of her other ear-splitting soirees. The silver lining was Howard's many stinging one-liners, which tended to be witty and humorous. And then, almost as quickly as they had begun, the proceedings were over and we dispersed, but not without making plans to meet at Sheldon and Leonard's place for the launch—the only ones among us who actually have a cable package that includes the NASA channel. Defying all reason, Penny and Bernadette implored Mrs. Wolowitz to join us, but she (thankfully) refused the invitation, insisting that she couldn't bear to watch "her only child blow up into smithereens." As fatalistic as that sounded, Sheldon and I stole a look at each other, relieved that our sensitive ears would enjoy a reprieve from her incessant hollering.

In the days preceding the launch, I imagined that there might be more of a party atmosphere accompanying the event. But aside from Raj's ever-present libations, the tone of the room was somber and uneasy. Even I, the most recent member to join our social group, could not push from my mind the danger that such a launch carried, and what such danger meant for our space-bound friend. I could only imagine how his dearer acquaintances—Sheldon, Leonard, Penny, Bernadette and, most of all, Raj—were faring emotionally. As I sat in the living room, watching the countdown of Howard's spacecraft in Kazakhstan with an unwavering gaze…

Sheldon took my hand.

I have often fantasized of our first real hand hold, and invariably I imagined it would occur in some softly lit, romantic setting, perhaps on our semi-monthly Date Night. But in that moment, with fingers much stronger and brawnier than I'd ever known, I felt him reaching out to me, seeking connection as well as comfort and consolation. So taken, I was, at the gesture that I turned to look at him, and nearly missed lift-off. A moment after the shuttle cleared the stratosphere, weak cheers went up in the room, and with them, Sheldon let go, busying his hand with a water bottle on the table. But I caught him glance at me with thankful eyes, and my heart leapt.

I've replayed that moment of physical bonding in my mind innumerable times, Constanza, and every single time I feel awash with contentment and giddy with excitement. I wonder: will my skin ever stop tingling or my heart stop racing?

I hope they never do.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO AFF


	10. The Date Night Variable

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.01, "The Date Night Variable"  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

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><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

As you well know, this evening, Sheldon and I celebrated our second anniversary and, at the close of a long evening (and after a bit of personal reflection on my part) I have come to a startling realization: front-closure bras can be deadly.

I have been absolutely smitten with the things ever since Penny first introduced them to me that fateful day last winter in Victoria Secret's. Not only are they convenient—eliminating the need to reach behind you to fasten your bra—but they also tend to be flattering to the girls (if you know what I mean, Constanza, and I think you do). However, unbeknownst to me, the front clasp came partially loose and got caught in one of the buttons on my shirt. I came quite close to dying of asphyxiation while trying to disrobe. Prior to this unfortunate incident, I had always thought the term "wardrobe malfunction" was a curious phrase, but now, having experienced such a mishap firsthand, I understand the necessity of such a term.

I imagine that you are likely waiting for me to spills the proverbial "beans" regarding my date with Sheldon, but I am tired and bit jostled emotionally. So, I will simply summarize it thusly: despite some low points (not the least of which was a visit from Raj), it ended on a high note. Coupled with Sheldon's handhold a few days ago, I don't believe I'm wrong in saying that I can sense the winds of change arriving just beyond the horizon. I can only hope they come sooner, rather than later.

Currently, however, my evening is not quite over. I sit here—clad in my comfy, flannel pajamas and snugly tucked into bed—and as soon as I finish documenting my evening in this volume, I'll attend to the bowl of delicious red velvet ice-cream that is calling to me from the nightstand. Then, I'm going to settle in and treat myself to a movie. It's a reckless thing to do, I know, and it might make me a little drowsy tomorrow at work, but I've never seen _Spider-Man I_ before, and I think it's high time I did.

XOXOXO

AFF


	11. The Decoupling Fluctuation

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.02, "The Decoupling Fluctuation"  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

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><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

Last night I dreamed that I was inexplicably perched atop a tall, tall stack of boxes that were prettily wrapped in silver and white paper. As the makeshift tower rocked back and forth, I became increasingly terrified at the notion that, should I lose my balance, I would tumble down and splatter my head—and its grey matter—all over the ground below. On the heels of this realization, I noticed that Reginald (the geriatric monkey in our lab who died last week after having the fortune—or misfortune—of participating in no less than twenty experiments) was standing on my shoulders and pouring sawmill gravy on top of my head from a gravy boat. How aggravating! My fear and irritation were allayed, however, when I saw the face of Sheldon engraved on the reverse of a four-cent coin I held in my left hand.

Upon waking, I mostly put the dream out of my mind. However, Sheldon contacted me later today to complain of his suspicions that not all of the tartar had been cleaned from his teeth. I seized the opportunity to share with him my dream. "Do you think it means anything?" I asked him, but my inquiry was met with a scoff and the assertion that it was his belief that dream analysis was "hogwash," and that all dreams were either an amalgamation of recent events in the person's life or the result of heartburn. As a trained neurobiologist who once spent a year as an assistant to a researcher involved in a comprehensive sleep study, I must say that—Sheldon is probably right, a point I conceded with some resistance.

I am writing to you earlier than usual, Constanza, as I am on my way to a Bernadette's apartment. As her husband orbits our planet at a distance of 248 miles above the earth's surface, communal socialization proves to be a challenge. So, in a show of solidarity, I proposed that we could engage in something of a long-distance double date by Skyping our significant others at the same time. Actually, I will be Skyping while she will be utilizing advanced NASA space teleconferencing technology. Semantics aside, I'm really looking forward to it. It's been a great while since Sheldon and I Skyped each other, and I rather miss it. Besides, who knows? He might even be up for a massage.

XOXOXO AFF


	12. The Higgs Boson Observation

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.03, "The Higgs Boson Observation"  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

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><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

I normally would shy away from comparing Leonard and Sheldon since, despite being best friends and roommates, they are unique individuals. Leonard, by all accounts, is a charming young man and a suitable companion to Penny. Sheldon is, well, glorious. After an incident that occurred today, however, the verdict is in: Sheldon is also the better boyfriend.

After a phenomenal cosmetic session with Penny, in which she practically transformed me into the Whore of Babylon—in a good way, of course—I attempted to FaceTime Sheldon only to be greeted by his misleadingly named assistant, Alex. She informed me that he was only receiving a limited number of callers from a list that did not include me. Disturbed by this, I cold-called him with a visit to his job at lunchtime, intent on finding out the true nature of Alex's intentions with my boyfriend. I discovered, however, that the person who should be worried about Alex was not me, but Penny. While Sheldon remained impervious to her feminine wiles, Leonard was practically eating from her hands. On our way home, poor Penny was wracked with worry about the state of her relationship while I was free to make jokes based in neurobiology (I'll have to tell you one later, Constanza. It was a real knee-slapper).

After work, Sheldon called me and let me know that, upon returning to his office, his was suddenly hit with the thought that he should have included me on his limited caller list, a realization which was, no doubt, due to the fact that I spread my scent around his office, effectively "marking my territory." I asked him if he realized anything else once he returned to his office, and he said that he had: his stapler had been moved and, fearing it had been contaminated, he threw it away.

I've occasionally suspected that Penny believes that Sheldon is not generally desirable as a boyfriend. Perhaps such barbs stem from the fact that, despite knowing her for years longer than me, he never showed the slightest romantic interest in Penny while, after two years of acquaintance, we're already holding hands and—I maintain—are only one double entendre away from phone sex. What can I say, Constanza? I have that affect on him. I mean, he calls me a vixen for a reason.

XOXOXO AFF


	13. The Re-Entry Minimization

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.04, "The Re-Entry Minimization". Dedicated to JabberwockyPie, whose shameless sulking motivated me to write this chapter.  
><strong>Rating<strong>**:** T

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><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

I just ended a truly mystifying evening of pie eating, game playing, sexual tension and couple bickering, and I feel confident in saying that I've likely never been so relieved to be returning home from what was billed as a "fun gathering of intimate friends." That's right, Constanza, I'm talking about Howard's much ballyhooed welcome back party.

Upon arriving, Sheldon and I had high hopes of reuniting with a beloved friend (that's much more beloved by some of us, Raj) and showing him that he had our support and respect. However, far from being greeted with a triumphant victor returning home with battle scars and tales of adventure, we found Howard to be whiny and defensive, with a laundry list of a passive aggressive snipes about how disappointing his first day back was. Apparently his mother had been enjoying, ahem, an exciting evening with his dentist, Raj was enjoying an exciting evening with Stuart and he and Bernadette did not have an exciting evening at all. Based on her still raging head cold (which if left untreated could travel to her brain and wreak all kind of havoc on her cognitive function), I imagine his hero's welcome did not include coitus. Most surprisingly, Howard reserved his sharpest remarks for a gentleman I'm unfamiliar with by the name of Howie Mandel who, according to a cursory Google search, appears to be most famous as an advocate for persons with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I had no idea Howard has such bitterness towards persons with neurochemical impairment.

While Leonard and Raj groveled at his feet and made protracted declarations of his value in the group, Sheldon expressed to me his disappointment in learning that, like many things in life, real astronauts were not as glamorous as they were in the movies. Bernadette suggested that we play Jenga, but was rebuffed when Howard said it brought back bad memories of being in zero gravity. The abysmal night took a real nose-dive when Stuart's casual humming of the song "Edelweiss" triggered a full-on shouting match between Howard, Raj and the beleaguered comic book salesman.

After red wine and spaghetti (with no hot dogs cut up in it), we all tensely finished off a leftover blueberry pie that Penny salvaged from our game night and then promptly left.

It was nothing like our Game Night—one of the most glorious events of recent memory, Constanza. My entry from last night (all 3,000 words of it) cannot possibly reflect how much fun I truly had. But my account failed to mention this intriguing tidbit I learned of today: Leonard told Penny (and Penny told me) that Sheldon later asked Leonard why he hadn't intervened when Penny was kissing on another man. Leonard shrugged and said he thought it was funny. Sheldon, however, said that he wouldn't have found it the least bit humorous if it had been Leonard and I instead. Duly noted, Dr. Cooper ;)

XOXOXO AFF


	14. The Holographic Excitation

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.05, "The Holographic Excitation".  
><strong>Rating<strong>**:** T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

It's not yet six o'clock, but I've snuck away from the living room to write to you earlier than usual because I am on the verge of an evening of food, fun, and alcohol. I imagine that, later tonight, I will be entirely too exhausted after such a thrilling evening to chat with you.

Sigh. This will be my very first Halloween Night at the comic book store! There was a time that making a trip to that place while donning a costume would sound like a perfectly awful evening. Now, however, I see it as a momentous first in Sheldon's and my relationship. After much debate and deliberation, we agreed to go as the "it" couple of Pasadena: Raggedy Ann and Raggedy CP3O. I'm giddy just thinking about it. I can't wait to see the look on everyone's faces when we enter the door.

Really, though, I must get back to Sheldon, Constanza. He is in something of an unenviable position at the moment—physically bound by inhibiting plastic attire. He told me that when he's worn robot costumes in the past, he's started with the feet first, so that his hands would be free as he outfitted himself. However, I reminded him that this time, he had my assistance. Additionally, putting on the costume from head to toe, I reasoned, was more intuitive as, after fastening the feet, he could simply walk out of the door. He was effectively persuaded, and sits in the living room as we speak—half robot and half man—wearing a full head mask, shoulder armor, an adjoining back and chest plate and, most importantly, plastic gloves. However, I confess to you, Constanza, that I had other motives for rendering him so helpless.

Next up: codpiece. The poor thing is certainly going to need my assistance. I'll be happy to give it to him.

XOXOXO AFF


	15. The Habitation Configuration

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.07, "The Habitation Configuration".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

When Sheldon first informed me that he not only had a "mortal enemies list", but that it included the minor celebrity Wil Weaton, I thought that I had—quite possibly—never heard anything so absurd in my entire life. What I now find absurd, however, is the fact that Mr. Weaton ever made it off the list. In our brief acquaintance, I have found him to be condescending, pompous, uncompromising and insulting. In fact, I am at a complete loss as to how he and Sheldon could even be friends at all! The worst of Mr. Weaton's behavior was on full display during a recent filming of Fun with Flags. He met my helpful, and frankly invaluable, critique with the eloquent rejoinder that I was a "pain in the ass." More upsetting, my boyfriend did nothing, initially, to defend me.

Sheldon has since, however, more than redeemed himself. Despite an original misstep in gifting me with a tedious set of Star Trek: The Next Generation DVDs, he went to Wil Weaton's house this evening to set the matter right. Under the influence of tea (that I suspect was much less virginal than he believes) he demanded an apology. When confronted with the threat of bodily harm, Mr. Weaton quickly folded and offered Sheldon what he was seeking. Mr. Weaton then, at Sheldon's request, dropped him off in front of my apartment building. When I opened my door (after a bewildering number of ill-timed knocks), I found Sheldon weak and wobbly, and he immediately raced to the restroom for a hearty round of vomiting.

He is currently recumbent upon my couch, nursing a bottle of Gatorade and snacking on saltine crackers. When I started off to prepare him a hot water bottle, he grabbed my hand, stopping me. He asked me if I was still mad at him. I told him that I was not. Then, more curiously, he asked me if I still would pick out the Brazil nuts when we shared a can of Planters Mixed Nuts. I assured him I would. Then he let me go and, Constanza, I've never seen him with the look that he had on his face in that moment. His eyelids hung heavy and contented, his face was tranquil but pleasant, and the sides of his mouth pulled into a lazy smile. Honestly, I'm a bit concerned. I really hope he doesn't have alcohol poisoning.

XOXO AFF


	16. The 43 Peculiarity

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.08, "The 43 Peculiarity".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

I am enamored with my job and take pride in my work, not only because my career success has come after much hard work and dedication, but because my contributions to the field can have a real impact on our understanding of the inner workings of the human brain. I mean, I get chills when I realize that our tireless work in my humble primates' lab helped crack the code on what goes on in a man's mind when he's masturbating. Imagine: without my research, we might have never known.

That said, when my work is very intense and I'm required to work long hours, my social life suffers. Now that I now actually have a social life, I'm bothered by this fact. Most of all, it impedes my time with Sheldon. So imagine my joy when Saturday rolled around and I was able to spend an entire, uninterrupted day with the object of my affection. Even better, Leonard and Penny decided that they needed a couple days away after what they called "a momentous week," so Sheldon and I had his apartment to ourselves.

We quickly decided to spend the morning at the planetarium but, upon arriving, realized we had already seen all the displays before, and thus the factual errors that had once amused us had lost much of their entertainment value. I then suggested we visit Raj for the free skincare product consultation he'd promised me, but Sheldon recoiled at the notion. He countered with suggestions of the comic book store, train hobby shop and costume store in quick succession, all of which I heartily declined. We then agreed to go to the zoo, only to discover that the koala habitat wasn't open to the public due to "fall cleaning." (I have my doubts that such a thing even exists. I plan to keep abreast of the situation to assure that the koalas are not being endangered in some way. More endangered than they already are, anyway). In the end, we went to the bookstore.

While Sheldon scanned the shelves for something to read, I stood in line at the café for a peppermint mocha. Glancing at the magazine rack by the counter, my disdain of the patronizing fodder of so-called "women's" magazines, once again, battled against my inexplicable desire to stare upon glossy pictures —slack-jawed and self-loathing—of emaciated women donning the latest fashions. My feminist ambitions were thwarted yet again by an intriguing cover article: "Six Questions You MUST Ask Your Boyfriend!" I immediately snatched up the magazine and raced to Sheldon, who was already seated in the café; his face was concealed behind a graphic novel. Aware of his dislike of any test that probes into a person's personality, I skillfully wove the questions through our conversation, although some insertions were admittedly clunkier than others. Even so, he answered my queries, completely unaware of my scheming until the very end. Here, Constanza, are the answers.

1. What's your favorite position? "We've been over this, Amy, more times than I can count. In my home, it is the far right side of the couch. In unfamiliar locations, I must determine my favorite position after carefully considering the air currents, acoustics and the layout of the room."

2. Where are your trigger points? "I can't imagine mine would be any different than anyone else's. There are 620 potential trigger points in human muscles. Considering my ticklish nature and general aversion to pain, I would imagine I have them all."

3. Do you like role-playing? "This question hardly need be asked. Honestly, Amy, have we met before? Speaking of which, if you had agreed to go the costume shop, I would have shown you a half-priced Star Trek medical officer costume left over from Halloween. Having regrets yet?"

4. Are you a talker? "I enjoy participating in substantive conversation with persons of intellect, a list that would typically be headed by you, although I find the topics you've chosen today to be uncharacteristically tedious. What, exactly, are you drinking?"

5. Lights on or off? "I find voluntary darkness to be suitable for only one activity: sleep. Which reminds me, I've been meaning to show you the new light saber I purchased in the case of a power outage at the apartment. Be assured that, by comparison, Leonard's much celebrated saber will be sent home, sniveling and wet."

6. What turns you off during intimacy? "I'm sorry, I don't understand the question."

Immediately after the last question, another patron asked if he could join our table, explaining that all the other tables were taken. Before Sheldon could utter, "Get thee back from whence thee came," the man and his crying toddler had joined us. Sheldon immediately rose, marching from the table, and I followed him. We then found an empty bench by the front window, and took a seat there. I discarded the magazine for a book I encountered on Drosophila neurobiology, and Sheldon read his novel with renewed concentration. When I placed my open palm on his knee, he took my hand without even turning from the page.

Though the quiz seemed exciting at the outset, I must confess, Constanza, that I already knew the answer to the vast majority of the questions. Most likely, they were designed for couples who, unlike Sheldon and I, struggle with meaningful communication. Perhaps I'll suggest the questionnaire to Penny and Leonard, the second strangest couple I know.

XOXOXOXO AFF


	17. The Parking Spot Escalation

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.09, "The Parking Lot Escalation".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

I realize that it is only 7 o'clock PM, but I am retiring early tonight as, you see, I have a date with Sheldon. As much as I wish this "nocturnal interlude" was one of the sensual variety, I am equally pleased by what it actually is: he and I are scheming to take back his parking spot. At precisely 1:30 AM, I will arrive at 2311 Los Robles Ave where I will pick him up. From there, with his spray can and stencils in tow, we will make our way to the Caltech faculty parking lot. Once there we will spray paint "Sheldon Cooper" over the place where "Howard Wolowitz" has been profanely added to Sheldon's parking spot. Though tonight promises to be a long one (and not without its dangers), I am proud (and a little excited) that Sheldon recruited me for this particular mission. At the outset of this territorial battle, I was resolved to remain as neutral as the proverbial "Bennett" and stay "not in it." However, as the Wolowitzes (and Bernadette in particular) have gone into full on bitch-mode, I am left with no choice other than to support Sheldon in his pursuit of justice and the recovery of what is rightfully his. After such a thrilling night, there is no telling what time I will get back home, much less if and when I will be able to get back to sleep. With that in mind, I have already prepared the outfit I will be wearing to work tomorrow, as well as stocked my purse for the various errands I will be running, including trips to the grocery store and bank.

Some part of me finds it unfortunate that this argument has degenerated into all-out hostility, but all is fair in love and war; I'm afraid that in this case, both are at stake.

XOXOXOXOXOXO,

AFF


	18. The Fish Guts Displacement

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.10, "The Fish Guts Displacement".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

I am aware that you are not real and that, despite all efforts to personify this journal and treat it as a living being, "you" are nothing more than a volume of ink that has been put to paper. Even so, for centuries, humankind has engaged in this charade, a self-deluded exercise in daily storytelling that allows people to purge themselves of current events, personal matters that haunt them, and (more often) frivolous gossip of the day. I imagine that, on some level, this nighttime ritual serves the purpose of allowing one to collect one's thoughts, explain one's feelings and spare one's companions from having to sit through the tedious retelling of one's life. I recall on one occasion, after falling victim to a burglar in my home, I found myself recording some rather grim feelings in a composition notebook. Ultimately, however, I find that such time and resources would be better invested in the recording of academic knowledge. Unfortunately, Constanza, my girlfriend disagrees. So I sit here, scribbling away in this diary as she lies on the couch infirmed.

That's right, Constanza, today's entry is brought to you by none other than the illustrious Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Despite my former statements disparaging this activity, I do believe today's entry will be of great value. As my stature in the scientific community (and world at large) increases—culminating in my receipt of the Nobel Prize—my signature at the end of this very entry will add a new-found provenance to this book, and will undoubtedly increase its monetary value, as future collectors of great literature will be willing to pay a high premium for any scrap of my writing, no matter how trivial.

Amy is anxiously reminding me to mention three matters in particular: (1) that I treated her with a chest balm of Vicks-Vapo-Rub, (2) that I sang "Soft Kitty" to her and (3) that I ran her a bath. I am at a loss as to how these events are the highlights of a day in which we discussed the implications of a hypothetical mono-lingual world, read the entirety of a periodical on modern topics in Chemistry, and dined on a fresh loaf of my scrumptious sourdough bread. Anyway, as this journal is not mine, I will concede to her wishes.

She's made another request, as well: that I not read any of the other entries. I've largely complied with her wishes, although I must confess that as I thumbed through the journal to find a blank page, I managed to see my name make more than a few appearances. Though our relationship is based on trust and mutual admiration, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that it did raise my curiosity some. What details of our relationship—private moments that only she and I share—are immortalized on the printed page? I should like to know.

If I'm being completely honest, I can't be too miffed considering my transgression at bath time, and who can blame me? I've said it once, Constanza, and I'll say it again: the hero always peeks.

Yours truly,  
>Sheldon Cooper, BSc, MS, PhD, ScD<p> 


	19. The Santa Simulation

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.11, "The Santa Simulation".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

There was a time when I thought that donning a fancy dress, wearing whorish make-up and strutting sensually in front of gawking onlookers of the opposite sex was beneath me. I imagined that such activity was reserved for intellectually-deficient women who had nothing more to offer the world than their overly-preened, starved, manicured bodies and a willingness to perform a tawdry list of lascivious sexual favors. However, now that I find myself enjoying the occasional evening of dress-up and modeling, I've discovered that there is a certain allure to being eye candy. It's fun painting up my face, showing a little skin and piling on gaudy accessories with my girlfriends. Don't think I missed the way Sheldon perked up when I entered the room, although that may have been attributable to the fact that he has strong opinions about cuffing the sleeves of a shirt or sweater. He would rather enlist the services of tailor.

My best accessory, however, is my sexual confidence, and it was nearly threatened when Raj insinuated that, among all of his friends' girlfriends, I was the only one he had never been attracted to. I found the news both embarrassing and surprising; while I don't aspire to be as alluring as Penny, surely in a head to head with Bernadette I can hold my own. Fortunately, however, it turned out to be a classic case of delayed attraction. As Raj and I shared some of our mutual experiences and personal trials with loneliness, he soon realized that I was not only a kindred spirit but highly desirable. The poor kid was practically in love with me by the time the night was over. I feel sorry for him; he's adorable, but he has nothing on my Sheldon. All the same, I better keep an eye on him. He's been known to try to take a bite from the forbidden fruit before.

Overall, it was a pleasing evening. For me, anyway. I'm afraid Sheldon did not fare as well. I thought he would enjoy his evening of Dungeons and Dragons, and I anticipated hearing an exhaustive play-by-play of the game when he called me later in the evening. Instead, he was somewhat reticent, and unexpectedly mentioned how much, even years later, he still missed his grandfather. While I've often heard him speak with affection of his beloved "Meemaw," mention of "Pop Pop" was new. I listened quietly and wished him sweet dreams.

I know he isn't much of a fan of Yuletide festivity, but I privately look forward to the day when we get to spend the holidays together. I think we'd be able to start some merry Christmas traditions together… under the mistletoe.

XOXOXOXOXO

AFF


	20. The Egg Salad Equivalancy

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.12, "The Egg Salad Equivalency".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

I finally asked Penny how her appointment with her college's guidance counselor went. She informed me that after perusing the class catalog, she found all the science classes to be "boring." As if that wasn't shocking enough, she told me that in lieu of actually enrolling in a physics class, she just put on a pair of glasses and said the word "molecule" to Leonard, and that somehow led to a wild episode of spirited intercourse.

Essentially, she got sex out of Leonard by becoming an—albeit significantly watered-down—version of me. I couldn't help but wonder that if by putting on a few layers of Spanx, wearing a tightfitting mini-dress, and donning a blond wig I could get the same reaction out of Sheldon. I just might try it.

Bazinga.

XOXOXOXOXO

AFF


	21. The Bakersfield Expedition

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.13, "The Bakersfield Expedition".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

My primate tobacco addiction study is going very well. Although, I must acknowledge that the threat of my dying of second-hand smoke consumption remains an ever-present dark cloud looming over the endeavor. I know I should wear the gas mask at all times, but it's just so dang uncomfortable. Besides, Sheldon stopped by my apartment the other day shortly after I'd returned from work and heartily mocked the red marks left on my face from where the mask had been. I failed to see the humor in it, though he found it quite amusing.

Before I retire for the evening, I should mention that he seems to be in better spirits. The so-called "Bakersfield Expedition" was a bust, but we shared another victory of sorts. Despite all arguments to the contrary, the others proved to be no match against Sheldon's and my arguments that Thor is the only one that can lift the hammer because he's a god. With three PhDs and summer in carpentry camp between us, the other couples didn't stand a chance.

Team Shamy: 1. The rest: 0.

XOXOXOXOXO

AFF


	22. The CooperKripke Inversion

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.14, "The Cooper/Kripke Inversion".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

My day was notable in how mundane it was. I woke up, prepared for work, then went to work, came home, talked to Sheldon a while, ate dinner, then went to bed. I didn't even watch any TV, and I'm at a loss as to where the hours between six and ten o'clock went. Just as my eyes were drawing shut, I got a call from Penny. If I didn't know better I would think she was hiding, and she spoke to me in hushed tones. I could barely hear a word she was saying, but did manage to make out the phrases "Sheldon," "Kripke," and "whimsically inventive." After pleading with her to speak louder, I suddenly heard Leonard yelling in the background, and then Penny said, "talk later" and hung up.

Constanza, what does it all mean? Perhaps Sheldon and Kripke have found a way to connect after all. I'll ask him in the morning.

XOXOXOXOXO

AFF


	23. The Spoiler Alert Segmentation

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.15, "The Spoiler Alert Segmentation".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dar Constanza,<p>

I stared at this blank page a long time before I committed to writing anything down. It's not because I don't know what to say. In fact, I think, it's quite the opposite; I could fill every page of this volume with words, and words, and more words, and still they wouldn't come around to all that I want to say, or how I feel.

I suppose I should clarify: despite what I've joyfully expected for the last couple of days, Sheldon and I will not be moving in together after all. I shouldn't be surprised; the clues were there. His initial response to the idea was tepid at best, and he showed none of his typical compulsion to micromanage the operation. It's clear to me now that the prospect of us finally being the couple that I so desperately wish we were was so blinding, I didn't see what was before me.

After I caught him in his deception, Penny invited me over to her apartment to commiserate and (in her words) talk about "what big jerks our boyfriends are." It sounded like a good idea at first, and I was so upset at Sheldon that a wine-fuelled hen session sounded like the perfect remedy. But sometime after my second glass of Yellow Tail (and Penny's third round of complaints that Leonard is a "nester") something dawned on me. It might have been the booze talking, but I told her that, really, she and I were on opposite sides of the coin. While she (much like Sheldon) was the commitment-phobe who was unwilling to be honest about how she really felt, Leonard and I were the generous lovers, ready to dive into forever the moment we got the green light. She didn't say anything, really, just took another sip of her wine. There was a long silence and, soon, I didn't want to be there anymore. I wished her a good night and went home.

Honestly, going down the empty road—to the rousing music of Johannes Sebastian Bach—my journey home a serene one. However, upon entering my apartment, where I still live alone, I became all too aware of the fact that my day had ended very differently than how it began.

What I guess I'm trying to say is, Constanza: tonight I feel, well...

Very sad.

And it's not the sort of sadness that salty tears, or "Wouldn't It Be Nice" on harp, or pints of Ben and Jerry's Whirled Peace ice cream can fix. It's something more like having patience, and hope, and faith in someone because you can't bear not to, even when it's very, very hard.

I'll be fine in the morning, I'm sure. My perky optimism, indomitable spirit and reliable forbearance are qualities I've always been able to count on. But tonight, for just a little while longer, I'll soothe myself with a hot beverage, a fluffy pillow and maybe a scoop of ice cream after all. After the day I've had, I could use some peace—whirled or otherwise.

XOXOXOXO,

AFF


	24. The Tangible Affection Proof

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.16, "The Tangible Affection Proof".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> K

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

There's something strange! In your bronchial tube! Who you gonna call? AMY FARRAH FOWLER!

That is, if you're Sheldon Cooper you will. That's right, Constanza, the tall, lanky, pale, and genius theoretical physics from Los Robles Avenue (and my boyfriend) made me his emergency contact. Leonard has been dethroned once and for all! Do you know what this means? This means that when Sheldon's ill, or in danger, or otherwise in a crisis situation, I will be the first to know. Well, other than the first response personnel. They would likely be the actual first ones to know. As they should be.

I wonder how Mary will take the news? I mean, what next? Will I be on his medical insurance? His checking account? His marriage certificate? Baby steps, Amy. Baby steps.

Sigh. Best Valentine's Day ever.

XOXOXOXOXO

AFF


	25. The Monster Isolation

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.17, "The Monster Isolation".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

Sheldon and I went on a double date tonight with our besties. Of course, it wasn't a double date in the strictest sense of the term considering that one of the parties was over a hundred feet away, dressed in period clothing, and pretending to be somebody else. Though, Constanza, Penny pretends very, very well.

Her interpretation of Blanche in Tennessee William's A Streetcar Named Desire was truly remarkable. Even Sheldon—who thinks that pursuing a career in the Arts is an inferior endeavor—found her to be very entertaining. It called to mind an episode I had during the throes of my teenage rebellion when, in blatant defiance of my mother, I auditioned for the role of Mother Superior in our school's production of The Sound of Music. I thought the nun's habit I had purchased from the local costume shop would make me a frontrunner among my fellow thespians, however, the drama teacher said she found my audition to be "too stiff and pious" for the part of a nun.

Which makes me all the more proud of Penny. Her dreams of being an actor are coming together at long last, and I can only hope that a person as passionate and deserving as she is finds as much success in her field of choice as the scientists all around her.

XOXOXOXOXO

AFF


	26. The Contractual Obligation Implementati…

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.18, "The Contractual Obligation Implementation".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

No kiss tonight, but if Snow White could be patient, so can I.

XOXOXOXOXO

AFF


	27. The Closet Reconfiguration

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.19, "The Closet Reconfiguration".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

The expression "all's well that ends well" has never been truer. Though the night began on a rocky note (not the least of which was being used as a human shield against a potential assault on Sheldon) the night ended with all of us friends having an enjoyable evening.

I must admit, though, that all this talk about Howard's dad made me think of my own. Frankly, it's not a pleasant thing to always think about.

Constanza, there is so much of my life that I've shared with you, and yet there is so much more to tell you. Maybe one day we'll talk about it. One day.

XOXOXOXOXO

AFF


	28. The Tenure Turbulence

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.20, "The Tenure Turbulence".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

I've spent the last two hours in Victoria's Secret trying on over 28 different brassieres in eight different styles. The lingerie consultant was helpful, though a bit handsy if you ask me if you ask me. Ultimately, however, the trip set me back $238 and brought me to a disturbing conclusion.

My bosom will never look as good as Penny's.

In other news, Sheldon said he would call me later with some "truly shocking revelations on the First Tarnovo Uprising in 16th Century Bulgaria," and so I have my phone on vibrate under my pillow. Since I have nothing else planned for the evening, I figured I'd snuggle in bed, enjoy a tall glass of milk with Oreo cookies, and check out this DVD box set I confiscated from Sheldon. You can't fault me; LeVar Burton was a cutie in the 70s.

XOXOXOXOXO

AFF


	29. The Closure Alternative

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 6.21, "The Closure Alternative".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

You know what? Sheldon watches too much TV. I've dedicated the last several minutes to compiling a list of all the television programs that he watches live, watches on demand, or is currently waiting for the next season to start: The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, Doctor Who, Downton Abbey, Revolution, Grimm, Mythbusters, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Sherlock, Orphan Black, Jeopardy, Revenge of the Nerds (a show he loves to hate), Unforgettable, How It's Made, Being Human, and NOVA.

And these are just the shows he's mentioned. This says nothing of Fringe and Alpha, two shows he is mourning with constant rewatches. Granted, Downton Abbey may be on that list because of me, and Keeping Up With the Kardashians smells a lot like Rajesh. But Sheldon's weekly consumption of TV media—not to include comic books, video games, movies and seasons of shows he regularly revisits on DVD—take up an inordinate amount of his time. It's small wonder that he fails to see the importance of putting these pastimes aside occasionally for the consideration of more significant pursuits, like, say, buying a home, acquiring a life partner and engaging in the carnal arts.

Perhaps I should have spent today dedicated to re-wiring his brain from his TV addiction. I'm already beginning to have doubts if the closure experiment even worked.

XOXOXOXOXO

AFF


	30. The Locomotive Manipulation

**Author's Note:** Coda (and spoilers for) Episode 7.15, "The Proton Resurgence".  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T

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><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

I'm just getting home from my Valentine's Day trip with Sheldon. It's not a trip you knew about and, well, I know that you and I haven't chatted in a long time. In my defense, there's been a new project at work, I've had my mother's kidney stones to deal with, and of course there's my Sheldon. But sitting here, with these worn, cherished pages cradled in my lap, I have to confess that you were, honestly, the first person I thought of when I walked through the door.

You see...

He kissed me. He kissed me, Constanza. And really, that's all the story there is to tell. Sure, there were trains and brownies and conductors and wine (not to mention one very intrusive fellow passenger), and for a moment, I thought it would turn out to be a very sad night for me. I started to wonder if Sheldon would ever know how much his words, his attention, his looks, and, yes, his touch mean to me. But when I felt him there, lost in the moment, his lips pressed against mine, and his hands rising to my hips—there was no doubt. In spite of himself, I knew he was feeling what I was feeling and was experiencing what I was experiencing. It was a great feeling, Constanza, and that kiss was everything I had dreamed about on so many lovesick nights—and more.

I almost feel ashamed to come back to you after so much time away. I wish I could tell you of every fear and failure or test and triumph that have marked these last few months, but with Penny, Bernadette and my dearest Sheldon in my life, I give so much of myself to them that most nights, there's little left to write down. In some ways I'm proud to know that I have people to share my life with now, and the loneliest of my days are behind me. Don't worry, though, Constanza. I'll never forget how you were there for me when no one else was and, please, always know that on the big days—the days that will last forever in my mind—you will always be the first to know.

All X's (and no O's)

AFF


	31. The Prom Equivalency

**Author's note:** This chapter is dedicated to Virginia. Thank you for your patience.

**Disclaimer:** _The Big Bang Theory_ is an American sitcom created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady, and is produced by them along with Steve Molaro. It is a Warner Brothers production and airs on CBS. All characters, plots and creative elements derived from the source material belong exclusively to their respective owners. I, the author of the fan fiction, do not, in any way, profit monetarily from the story.

* * *

><p>Dear Contstanza,<p>

I learned three things tonight:

· Pomegranate juice (to Sheldon's chagrin) does not significantly alter the flavor of punch and, if anything, only makes it more "punchy."

· Howard's relationship with his family is significantly more disturbing that I had previously thought.

· Sheldon loves me.

The mere idea is so overwhelmingly wonderful that just yesterday, I was afraid to even consider that it could be true. But tonight, to hear the confession from him personally, from his own lips...it's one of the great moments of my life. To clarify, Constanza, I'm referring to the fact that Sheldon loves me, and not to the pomegranate juice, nor the absurdity of Howard's family.

Before writing to you tonight, I thumbed through the pages of this diary, all the way back to May 23, 2010—the night before I met Sheldon. This is what I wrote:

_Dear Connie, _(For that I apologize, Constanza; it was a weird time.)

_In continuation of my entry from yesterday, it appears that there will be only minor modifications to the paradigm under which we will be conducting the current round of experiments, as per further empirical analysis conducted by our colleagues in Berlin. Preliminary tests reveal substantial corroboration with our data, and satisfactory determination of the relative addiction potentialities of a series of different opiate derivatives, though such differentiation is substantially less so than that following a more prolonged period of poisoning when compared with human addicts. All very exciting stuff—in a moment of unrestrained whimsy, I decided to wear my paisley cardigan today. Unfortunately, however, my exploration into these fascinating developments will be cut short by the (note the quotation marks) "date" I have with a suitor I've encountered via the internet. A suitor who, according to his profile, isn't suitable at all except for his role in silencing my prying mother. I intend to keep our acquaintance short, and then I can return to life as usual._

I look at that entry tonight, Constanza, and find myself literally on the verge of tears. Oh silly, _silly_ Amy! How could you have known that with that very entry, you were closing the chapter on a life that—while fulfilling in an academic way—was plagued by loneliness and emotional sterility, and entering into the greatest relationship of your life: one of respect, then affection, and now...love.

I'll leave you with that tonight, Constanza. After one last selfie in my prom dress (which Sheldon said was "pretty"), I'm out of these Spanx and off to bed. Based on neuroscience's even _rudimentary_ understanding of the causation of REM sleep (and the anecdotal evidence that seems to support it) I look forward to very sweet dreams.

A thousand hugs and a million kisses,

AFF


	32. The Spaceship Disintegration

**Author's note:** Spoilers for "The Space Probe Disintegration." Thinking about Moyrani right now, and feeling a little sad.  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> _The Big Bang Theory_ is an American sitcom created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady, and is produced by them along with Steve Molaro. It is a Warner Brothers production and airs on CBS. All characters, plots and creative elements derived from the source material belong exclusively to their respective owners. I, the author of the fan fiction, do not, in any way, profit monetarily from the story.

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

I tried my best not to complain aloud, and so you are probably the only one who knows how much this past summer was one of the most trying of my life, and certainly of my adulthood. Despite Sheldon's return, and the many ways he's since shown—through word and deed—how much I mean to him, in quiet moments, I have still grappled with memories of my lonely and anxious summer without him. I've asked myself a hundred times how he could so easily leave me behind, and if maybe I let him off too easily when he came back. However (to make a long story short), a day that could have been spent in the glorious pastime of basket weaving turned into a less enjoyable, but still satisfying, day of shopping with Penny—our significant others in tow. As she and I exited the dressing room, we were surprised to find the boys in tears. The ensuing explanation helped me to finally understand something that I'd minimized before:

Sheldon loves _hard_.

His affection and respect are famously hard-earned, but once you gain his love, it's as constant as Coulomb's Law and as true as the North Star. It's no wonder that he finds any threat to his most treasured relationships so upsetting.

I know some may find my dear Sheldon to be peculiar and odd. And, though he sometimes struggles to process his emotions, there is one thing I can never doubt—that his love is something I can count on. At the end of the day, and every day, he is a good man...and he is mine. And I'm committed to love him, just the way he is.

He's still a flight risk, though.

XOXOXO

AFF


	33. The Intimacy Acceleration

**Author's note:** Spoilers for "The Intimacy Acceleration." RIP Leonard Nimoy.  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> _The Big Bang Theory_ is an American sitcom created by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady, and is produced by them along with Steve Molaro. It is a Warner Brothers production and airs on CBS. All characters, plots and creative elements derived from the source material belong exclusively to their respective owners. I, the author of the fan fiction, do not, in any way, profit monetarily from the story.

* * *

><p>Dear Constanza,<p>

First things first: Penny and Sheldon, as predicted, did _not_ fall in love. Her beauty aside, she's no heavyweight in the academic department—a deficiency that Sheldon could never overlook. Besides, he only has eyes for me.

Which brings me to the real event of the night: Sheldon's _surprise_ birthday party. Yes, Constanza! Trust me—I was as shocked as you are. Originally, Raj, Emily, Leonard, and I had entertained rather high hopes of an exciting night in a "zombie escape room." However, six minutes (and $200) later, we found ourselves on our way to the more pedestrian activities of dinner and a movie when Leonard got a text message from Penny: "2day is Shel's bdAy!" The vote was unanimous: a surprise birthday party! A s a combination of everything that Sheldon hates—gift-giving, parties, and surprises— in one fell swoop, it would be glorious (and just desserts for his Yuletide shenanigans)! The late hour precluded any trips to the comic book and train stores, but CVS did _not_ let us down. Festive plates, balloons, and a jumbo greeting card all seemed appropriate for the occasion, although—considering this _was_ Sheldon, after all—we agreed that actual gifts would be pushing our luck. We hurried back to the apartment and hung out in the living room (listening to Emily rank her top ten "vomit" scenes from horror films) until we got the text from Penny that they were on their way. Raj turned out the lights and we all took our positions, yelling "surprise" as soon as Sheldon flipped the switch.

As expected, we listened to him rant for a few minutes, then we sang happy birthday and cut the cake. As we took group selfies on the couch, Sheldon decried Penny as a traitor, and said the rest of us were "guilty by association." I'll let you in on a secret though, Constanza: I could tell he was actually touched. There was a glint in his eye as he admired one of the Hulk paper plates, and his sometimes rigid posture had eased into a soft hunch. I even caught him tapping his foot as "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins" played softly in the background.

Raj and Emily were the first to leave, and I assumed that, since it was Leonard's turn to spend the night at Penny's, they would be out the door soon after. Instead, they lingered in the kitchen, whispering about something that I couldn't hear. After trying to wait them out, I decided to leave, and invited Sheldon to join me.

"How did you like your party?" I asked, just outside the door.

He waited a beat before he answered. "Despite a premise based on deceit and betrayal," he began, "there were some nice moments."

"Good," I said.

"Although that was a very odd birthday cake," he added.

"Full disclosure," I said, "It was actually the second tier of an erstwhile wedding cake for a bride that ended up running off with one of the groomsmen. So late in the evening, we took what we could get."

Sheldon seemed to relish this idea. "The Universe rebels against trickery in all its forms. In fact," he continued, "it felt good to finally get my _own_ burdensome secret off my chest. Hiding the truth about yourself is very difficult, Amy. I don't know how Clark Kent does it. Or Peter Parker. Or Bruce Wayne, or—"

I interrupted. "Well, then, I got you the perfect gift." I pulled out an envelope and handed it to him. It has been tucked in my bra, and I could feel how warm it was between my fingers. Sheldon looked at it with hesitation, before taking it.

"Amy," he said. "I hope your success with Meemaw's cookies doesn't mean we're going to turn into one of those couples who buy each other gas station flowers on the way home from work."

I grimaced at the thought. "God no," I said. "Time constraints aside, I think you'll find this is an inexpensive, but thoughtful gift. With that, he ran his finger under the underside of the flap, and pulled out a rectangular slip of notebook paper.

"A coupon redeemable for a lifetime of no more surprise parties." A faint smile crossed his face.

"You like it?" I asked, smiling widely.

"Indeed, I do," he answered.

"So, no more surprises...and no more _secrets_."

He looked up, a question in his eye. "Were you afraid that I might fall in love with Penny this evening?"

I shook my head. "Nah. I know how you feel about me."

He stared at the coupon. "Amy," he began. "I know you should have been the fir—" but as the last word crossed his lips, he looked up and became suddenly distracted, his voice trailing off. He drew close to me, his feet shuffling in between mine, and his eyes looming over my head. Then, he placed a single hand on my hip. I thought he might kiss me, and he did in the end, but not before giving me a look that told me everything I could possibly want to know about him, and about me, and about _us_ without him having to utter a single syllable. By the time his lips joined with mine, tingles ran through my spine, and the way his eager mouth, and warm breath, and moist forehead lingered against mine...

Exquisite.

"Thank you, Amy," he finally whispered, struggling to pull away and, without another word, he went back inside. Clinging to the banister, I wobbled on weak knees down the stairs, in a hurry to run home to you.

XOXOXO

AFF


End file.
